Two More Weeks Down

Okay, here is the pregnancy update...another "normal" ultrasound today. YAY!! The growth is still right on track and the heartbeat is strong. The ultrasound technician had some difficulty today because she wanted to get a specific fluid measurement and the baby was not cooperating. He (or she, of course) was quite comfortable down very low and not moving at all. It's not a good feeling to be sitting there watching the screen and seeing no movement whatsoever. It didn't make Jay and I feel very good. But, we could see the heart beating, so that kept us reassured. Jay also asked if it was a problem that the baby was so low and tucked away in this little crevice, and her response was, "No, I don't think so." I would have much preferred a, "No, not at all." I read into every little thing at this point. Anyway, the woman kept poking at my stomach trying to get the baby to wake up, but nothing was working. He did not want to be awake. Finally, after about 20 minutes of trying, she left the room and came back in soon after that to try again, and the baby had moved to a new position, so she was able to get the measurement that she needed. All in all, we were in there for over an hour. It was the longest ultrasound I have ever had and my sister was worried sick and convinced that something was wrong because she hadn't heard from me yet. I think she called her husband and had her 6 year old son praying with her for a miracle!

We are now officially 12 weeks along, and feeling like it's time to tell the kiddos. More people are starting to know about the pregnancy (and it's starting to get a little more obvious), and I don't want Jake and Addi to accidentally hear about it from someone else. We want to get to share the happy news with them ourselves, so we don't feel like we should wait much longer. On the other hand, we are not yet to the point in the pregnancy where we lost the twins (not that that means anything one way or the other in terms of this pregnancy), but I feel like once we get past that point, I might be a little more at ease. In reality though, I probably won't truly be at ease until we have delivered a healthy baby. So, I think that we have decided to go ahead and tell them sometime this week, but I do have some anxiousness about that. I simply want to spare them from heartache and disappointment if I can.

We have been having ultrasounds every two weeks, but we may not actually get to go back for four weeks this time. I don't really like that plan, but since we're entering the second trimester now, they might not feel like they need to monitor it so frequently. In reality, the frequent monitoring is I think more for our peace of mind than anything else. It's not like I (or the baby) have some known condition that they can do something about if things start to go wrong. Basically, we go in and there's either a heartbeat or there's not. So, they might not keep seeing us so frequently now. I'm not sure. But, I will be sure to post something each time we go in.

P.S. Not that this is an afterthought, but of course we praise God for the miracle that is continuing to grow inside. It is only because of His grace that we receive any blessings at all. I always hesitate to mention the grace of God because I feel a little bit like a hypocrite. I'm just not so sure that I would be singing His praises and talking about His grace if things were to go south, although I know that I should be. Despite our disappointments in the past though, and even if our hearts are broken again, He has always been faithful and will always be faithful to bring us out of the "depths of despair" as Anne of Green Gables would say. Anyway, I didn't want to share our wonderful news without also acknowledging and praising God for His grace and miracle. I know that we have so many people who are continuing to pray for us and for this pregnancy as well, so THANK YOU for that.

Still Lookin' Good!

Well, I am a little over 10 weeks along now and we had another ultrasound today just to verify that things are still progressing as they should be. And, I am happy to report...THEY ARE!! The growth of the baby is right on track and we heard a strong, beating heart. We even got to see him/her moving around a little bit this time. It has been a bit of a nerve-wracking couple of weeks for me, waiting for today to come around. I'm really hoping that I can start to relax a little more in the near future. I know I keep saying that, and hopefully it will really happen...at some point! We have our next ultrasound in two weeks, and I'm telling myself that if things still look good then, I will finally stop analyzing every little thing and stop expecting blood every time I use the bathroom, and actually start to enjoy being pregnant. We still haven't told the kids yet, but we might tell them if things still look good in two weeks. I'm not sure though, so mum's still the word!

Nothing to Report

I haven't given a pregnancy update in a couple of weeks, because I don't have anything to report right now. I had a Dr. appointment last week, but it wasn't an ultrasound and it's too early for the doctor to check for a heartbeat with the doppler. So, she couldn't tell me if things are still good or not. My next ultrasound is in a week though, so we're, of course, just hoping to hear the heartbeat again. I've been getting really nervous again because I'm not feeling the same pregnancy symptoms as strongly as I have been, but I'm hoping that's just because I'm getting later in the first trimester. I had another dream last night that I miscarried, but, in the same dream, Jake and Addi and I were hanging out with Courtney Cox and Jennifer Aniston, so I'm hoping that the one part of the dream is as unlikely as the other! I'll let you know in a week what things are looking like.

Valentine's Day Heart

Jay and I don't ever do anything for each other for Valentine's Day (I did manage to make some heart shaped rice krispy treats for the munchkins though!). I know, I know, nothing for anniversaries, nothing for Christmas, nothing for Valentine's Day - we're not normal. I promise that it really doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with our marriage! We are just not sappy, sentimental kind of people, and neither one of us has the "love language" of gifts, so it works out well for us. This Valentine's Day, however, although we weren't hoping for little gifts, or candy hearts, or heart-shaped boxes of chocolate, we were hoping for one very special heart - one real, actual, beating heart. And we got it!

We went in this morning for our ultrasound to check to see if the baby had a heartbeat. I was so nervous all morning, I felt like I would throw up (not due to morning sickness). As we sat in the waiting room, I was sweating, my hands were shaking, and I was practically in tears. I had no idea what to expect when we went in there, and I was just praying for a healthy heartbeat. I have definitely been feeling pregnant, so, despite the discomfort of that, it has been reassuring for me. But, over the last couple of days I had really started to worry and told Jay that I just didn't have a good feeling about what we were going to see at the ultrasound. I have had bad dreams the past two nights about miscarrying, and have just been working myself up into a panic. The woman who did the ultrasound was amazing. She knew we were nervous and didn't waste any time. As soon as she started looking, she immediately said, "There's the heartbeat and it looks good." At that point, I just started crying. She said that she was looking at my record before she came in and just praying that she would have good news for us. The baby is measuring at 7 weeks, 1 day, with a due date of October 2nd. We had her double check for twins because they missed seeing the second one at our early ultrasound when we were pregnant before with twins, but she said she was certain there was only one.

So, at least for today, I'm not a nervous wreck. I know that we have made it past this point before, and things have still not gone well, but a healthy heartbeat is still a huge hurdle for us to get past. I am so grateful and praising God for this miracle of a healthy heart. I know that I should be praising God regardless of the outcome of this pregnancy, and that no matter if He gives or takes away, we should be saying, "Blessed be the name of the Lord." But, for today, I am praising Him for giving.

Encouraging Results

As you know, after Wednesday, I was pretty much convinced that this was another non-viable pregnancy. The nurse told me to stay off of the internet and come back in for more blood work on Friday. Of course, I did not follow the instructions to stay off the internet, but I did go back in on Friday morning. On a sidenote, I have extremely small veins, and every time I have to give blood for something, it's a little bit difficult. Occasionally, the person is really good or I get lucky and they just poke me once and get it done...but that's rare. Usually it takes a minimum of a couple of tries for them to get a good vein. By Friday, the woman said, "Well, I'm going to have to use this same vein that the others have used, but it's already damaged, so this is going to hurt." Great. It actually wasn't too bad, but you should see my arm. It's bruised with a swollen lump right at the inside of my elbow where the "damaged vein" is. I look like some sort of drug addict or something. One time in highschool, when I was trying to actually give blood to the red cross, they popped a vein and my entire arm looked like that. I had one other failed attempt at donating blood, so now I only give it when I have to!

Anyway, back to the point...I went in first thing Friday morning and then waited all day for the results. It has been taking only a few hours to get the results, but I waited and waited, and no call came. I pretty much had myself glued to the phone. I left a message for the nurse...nothing. I called the operator to make sure people were still around on a Friday afternoon, and she said that they were, but still no call. I began to tell myself that if it was good news, they would have called right away, so it definitely wasn't good news. Then, right at about 5:00, the doctor called.

She said that the numbers had almost doubled, from 770 to 1521, and she was pleased with the results....and officially labeled the pregnancy viable! I was shocked. I really had prepared myself for the worst. So, that's obviously just the first hurdle, but at least we made it past that one. The next step, if nothing happens between now and then, will be to go in in two weeks for an ultrasound to check for the heartbeat. I still remain cautiously optimistic, but am very excited that we stand a chance!

Thanks so much for continuing to pray for us! I will continue to keep you updated. Hopefully, there will be nothing to report until two weeks from now.

Viable Pregnancy?...Maybe (but doubtful)

Sorry to bombard you with two posts in one day, but I wanted to give the pregnancy update in addition to the "our house is falling apart" update. I have gotten to be quite knowledgable of the medical jargon surrounding high-risk pregnancies and miscarriages. The first question that a person with a history of miscarriage will ask when they become pregnant is, "Is this a "viable" pregnancy? Meaning, "Does this pregnancy even stand a chance?" In order to determine this, as soon as a "high-risk" patient learns of their pregnancy, the doctor will probably order a series of lab work to be done to measure the HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels and progesterone levels. If these tests don't come back looking good, there is nothing that the doctor can do about it, but it's really just providing the patient with some information about whether the pregnancy is viable or not. The key to these tests is that the progesterone level needs to be high enough to support the pregnancy, and...the biggie...the HCG levels need to double approximately every 48 hours (in the beginning weeks of pregnancy). The actual HCG number can range all over the place, but the key is the rate of increase.

So, I had my second round of blood work done today (Wednesday). The first test on Monday showed a high progesterone level and an HCG number in normal range, which was good. The progesterone doesn't change dramatically from day to day, so I'm good there. Like I said though, the most important thing is the rate at which the HCG number increases. The results from today were not necessarily horrible, but not at all reassuring either. My HCG number on Monday was 482. So, the magic number for me today should have been at least around 1000. Instead, it was only at 770. The nurse's words were, "It's not horrible and it doesn't necessarily tell us anything because it's early, but it's not what we would have liked to see." Now, if you say that to someone without my history, she may or may not believe you. But, you say that to someone with several miscarriages under her belt and what I hear is, "This is not a viable pregnancy."

Yet, I still hold onto some hope. And honestly, I don't even want to and I wish somehow I wouldn't. It just prolongs the inevitable. I don't even want to think about being pregnant. I want to pretend that I never got a positive pregnancy test so that I can be back to where I was a week ago. And yet, I hope. It goes the same way every time. As much as I don't really want to so that I can just move on, I continue to hope until the actual miscarriage has taken place. I spend my evenings on the internet reading about those rare pregnancies where the levels didn't increase like they should have and yet everything turned out fine, or where the heartbeat was missing from the ultrasound but then showed up, or about whatever stories sound like mine that time around but have happy endings. And I can't keep myself from hoping.

Don't misunderstand me, there actually is still some hope this time beyond me just praying for a miracle. Just because the rate didn't double doesn't automatically mean that the pregnancy is doomed. According to what I've read far too many times on the internet, the rate should double every 48 hours. But, for some people it may be as much as every 72 hours. And, of course, there are all those miracle stories about people whose levels never did what they should and they went on to have full-term, healthy pregnancies. I have yet to be one of those miracle stories though.

So, is this pregnancy viable? Maybe. Do I believe that it will go on to be a healthy pregnancy? No. Do I hold onto hope? Always.

God's Sense of Humor

Sometimes I start to think that God's sense of humor is maybe a little bit similar to my dad's - in other words, slightly twisted. It's just that it seems as though once I have finally learned to trust in God's plan and accept things the way they are, He likes to change it up on me again...like maybe it gives him a good laugh or something. (I don't really think that, or think that anything about God is slightly twisted...please don't strike me dead for blasphemy!) Over these past several months, Jay and I have finally really started to feel at peace with our family being complete, and we have been enjoying the increased freedom that comes with our kids getting older. It was a long road to feeling that way, but we got there and are loving where we are in life in general. Then, today, there is this...

Yep, those are two pink lines. Don't feel badly that you hadn't heard the news...nobody had. It is BRAND NEW information. Now, when I say that Jay and have been feeling at peace about not having more kids, don't misunderstand me, we are so excited and hopeful about this. But, for us, pregnancy comes with worry, and usually ends in heartbreak. Given our history, I cannot really afford to let myself be much more than cautiously optimistic. I don't want to start to again imagine how wonderful it will be to have more kids, only to have that dream shattered again. Then, I'll have to start over in my quest to be content with where I am. And, if I'm being totally honest, I don't want to start that quest over again. I finally got there! I don't have a lot of faith that this time around will be any different than the last few times though. Yes, I hope and pray that it will be, but I no longer assume it. I actually automatically begin to assume the worst. I have learned all too well that I am not in control of any of it.

So, you ask, why in the world am I sharing this news when I have only just learned of it and the odds are not in our favor? Afterall, even a person with normal pregnancies has a 20% chance of miscarriage in the first trimester and the good sense to keep the news to themselves until they are out of the "danger zone." Yet, here I am, choosing to tell you right away even though I have actually been labeled with the condition "recurrent spontaneous abortion" (you automatically get that lovely, and oh-so-sensitive label when you hit three consecutive miscarriages). Well, there are a couple of reasons why I am choosing to share the news. One, I have miscarried even when I've been out of that "danger zone," so waiting to tell people didn't matter anyway. The second and real reason, however, that I'm deciding to just put it out there right away, is that I would love to have people praying for us - praying for a healthy pregnancy, of course, and praying that I can remain calm and not anxious about it. I feel like I am already just waiting for the inevitable to happen, and that's not the way to enjoy being pregnant, nor is it the key to a healthy pregnancy. I have known that I'm pregnant for less than 24 hours and yet, every tiny twinge of pain, whether real or imagined, causes me to assume an impending miscarriage. Each time I use the bathroom, I examine the toilet paper for any signs of potential bleeding. I don't want this entire pregnancy to be that way, no matter how long it lasts, and yet, I don't know how to not feel that way. So, I'm enlisting the prayers of my friends and family - I'm asking for you to pray that we will feel a peace that is beyond understanding, even regardless of the outcome of the pregnancy.

Sidenote: Although we are sharing the news with friends and family, we are not telling the kids yet - in fact, we probably won't tell them for a while. They have already experienced plenty of loss in their short lives, and I would like to protect them from another disappointment if at all possible. We will probably wait at least a few months to tell them the news, so please don't mention it to them. It would probably be wise not to mention it to your own kids if they will be around Jake and Addi at all, so that they don't accidentally spill the beans!

I'll try to keep you updated as we go along!

Bigger Is Not Always Better

I recently found out that a friend of mine is pregnant with her third child. She and her husband had always just planned on having two, and thought that they were done. Recently, however, they began discussing it more and decided that they wanted to have another.  And so, shortly after that decision, she got pregnant. She is now in her second trimester and things seem to be progressing as they should...which is wonderful!! I have to say though, that world is a little bit foreign to me. Oh, if only it were so easy! It's as though they live in a world where they actually have control over what happens in their lives. That's not the world I live in.  I try to be in control of it, but continue to learn more and more that I most certainly am not, nor should I be!

As I'm sure anybody who reads this blog already knows, I have always wanted a big family. I married someone who also wanted a big family, and so I never imagined that we would have any fewer than 4 kids...that was the minimum! Growing up, I always loved coming from a large family and having built-in best friends and constant playmates. I wanted the same for our children. I wanted Jake to have brothers to do boy things with and Addi to have sisters to do girl things with. I wanted them to develop certain character traits that I think are more easily learned when you are part of a large family and not constantly the center of the universe. I had very specific dreams of what I wanted our family to look like and what I thought it should look like. It has been painful for me to not see those dreams realized and extremely difficult to let go of those plans that I had for our lives. I am surrounded by friends and family whose families I have watched continue to grow, and sometimes, that has been difficult too. There has been a part of me that has wondered why they continue to be blessed with children, while we do not.

I have continued to learn the hard way, however, that I have very little say in the matter. But still, I have remained hopeful that more children are coming and have adamantly resisted allowing us to exit the "baby stage." I held onto our stroller and highchair and baby clothes for dear life, and have remained mentally and emotionally ready for more babies. So although I have learned very well that I am not in control of when the Lord would bless us with more children, I have really continued to believe that, at some point, He would give us more, whether they be biological or adopted. I have spent much time worrying about the gap between kids getting bigger and bigger and have continued to try to relinquish control and trust that God's timing would be perfect. I have continued to hope that eventually our family would start to look a little more like the family I had always envisioned. And, each month, I am hit with the reality that we are another month farther away from a "better" family.

But suddenly, for the first time, I am beginning to realize that a bigger family does not necessarily mean a better family. God really does know what is best for our family and, for us, that is obviously not having our own built-in baseball team...and that's okay. After almost four years of trying to to add to our family; almost four years of ovulation kits and pregnancy tests; almost four years of surgeries and miscarriages; almost four years of hopefulness and disappointments; I am suddenly and inexplicably at peace with, and actually ready to embrace the fact that our family is probably complete. I am realizing that I have wasted time being dissatisfied with our family because it is not what I envisioned it was going to be, rather than being so incredibly grateful for the amazing family that we have. For so long, I have struggled to try to release my grip on what I wanted for our family and what I thought it should be and would be, and had even felt at times that I had let it go. But this time, the difference is that I actually feel joyful that God has chosen to make our family what it is, and that is a huge difference. I feel like I am ready now to instead embrace the freedom that comes with not being tied to nap schedules, feedings, and diaper bags. Instead of continually wishing that I also had babes in strollers and carriers when I am with those that do, I am suddenly feeling grateful that my kids are now more independent and that we have the ability to do things that would be difficult to do with little ones in tow. That gratitude has not come easily or quickly, but, nevertheless, I am starting to feel it.

I won't be ignorant enough to say that our family is definitely complete because I never seem to be right about what the future holds, but I am finally content and at peace and happy with the fact that I believe that it probably is. I believe that our family is just as God intended it to be while we are here on earth, and I look forward to heaven where we will have that large family that I envisioned because there are 4 more babies waiting there for us -  babies who have never had to experience the pain and suffering of this world and who will only know me as a perfect mother, rather than the very flawed one that I am here on earth. Until then though, I am ready to simply enjoy the two amazing children that we have here, and try to take advantage of the time that I have with them - training them, enjoying them, and pouring as much love into them as I can, and simply being grateful for them.  And, finally being able to replace desire and longing with contentment and gratitude is a really wonderful feeling.