Viable Pregnancy?...Maybe (but doubtful)

Sorry to bombard you with two posts in one day, but I wanted to give the pregnancy update in addition to the "our house is falling apart" update. I have gotten to be quite knowledgable of the medical jargon surrounding high-risk pregnancies and miscarriages. The first question that a person with a history of miscarriage will ask when they become pregnant is, "Is this a "viable" pregnancy? Meaning, "Does this pregnancy even stand a chance?" In order to determine this, as soon as a "high-risk" patient learns of their pregnancy, the doctor will probably order a series of lab work to be done to measure the HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels and progesterone levels. If these tests don't come back looking good, there is nothing that the doctor can do about it, but it's really just providing the patient with some information about whether the pregnancy is viable or not. The key to these tests is that the progesterone level needs to be high enough to support the pregnancy, and...the biggie...the HCG levels need to double approximately every 48 hours (in the beginning weeks of pregnancy). The actual HCG number can range all over the place, but the key is the rate of increase.

So, I had my second round of blood work done today (Wednesday). The first test on Monday showed a high progesterone level and an HCG number in normal range, which was good. The progesterone doesn't change dramatically from day to day, so I'm good there. Like I said though, the most important thing is the rate at which the HCG number increases. The results from today were not necessarily horrible, but not at all reassuring either. My HCG number on Monday was 482. So, the magic number for me today should have been at least around 1000. Instead, it was only at 770. The nurse's words were, "It's not horrible and it doesn't necessarily tell us anything because it's early, but it's not what we would have liked to see." Now, if you say that to someone without my history, she may or may not believe you. But, you say that to someone with several miscarriages under her belt and what I hear is, "This is not a viable pregnancy."

Yet, I still hold onto some hope. And honestly, I don't even want to and I wish somehow I wouldn't. It just prolongs the inevitable. I don't even want to think about being pregnant. I want to pretend that I never got a positive pregnancy test so that I can be back to where I was a week ago. And yet, I hope. It goes the same way every time. As much as I don't really want to so that I can just move on, I continue to hope until the actual miscarriage has taken place. I spend my evenings on the internet reading about those rare pregnancies where the levels didn't increase like they should have and yet everything turned out fine, or where the heartbeat was missing from the ultrasound but then showed up, or about whatever stories sound like mine that time around but have happy endings. And I can't keep myself from hoping.

Don't misunderstand me, there actually is still some hope this time beyond me just praying for a miracle. Just because the rate didn't double doesn't automatically mean that the pregnancy is doomed. According to what I've read far too many times on the internet, the rate should double every 48 hours. But, for some people it may be as much as every 72 hours. And, of course, there are all those miracle stories about people whose levels never did what they should and they went on to have full-term, healthy pregnancies. I have yet to be one of those miracle stories though.

So, is this pregnancy viable? Maybe. Do I believe that it will go on to be a healthy pregnancy? No. Do I hold onto hope? Always.