God's Sense of Humor

Sometimes I start to think that God's sense of humor is maybe a little bit similar to my dad's - in other words, slightly twisted. It's just that it seems as though once I have finally learned to trust in God's plan and accept things the way they are, He likes to change it up on me again...like maybe it gives him a good laugh or something. (I don't really think that, or think that anything about God is slightly twisted...please don't strike me dead for blasphemy!) Over these past several months, Jay and I have finally really started to feel at peace with our family being complete, and we have been enjoying the increased freedom that comes with our kids getting older. It was a long road to feeling that way, but we got there and are loving where we are in life in general. Then, today, there is this...

Yep, those are two pink lines. Don't feel badly that you hadn't heard the news...nobody had. It is BRAND NEW information. Now, when I say that Jay and have been feeling at peace about not having more kids, don't misunderstand me, we are so excited and hopeful about this. But, for us, pregnancy comes with worry, and usually ends in heartbreak. Given our history, I cannot really afford to let myself be much more than cautiously optimistic. I don't want to start to again imagine how wonderful it will be to have more kids, only to have that dream shattered again. Then, I'll have to start over in my quest to be content with where I am. And, if I'm being totally honest, I don't want to start that quest over again. I finally got there! I don't have a lot of faith that this time around will be any different than the last few times though. Yes, I hope and pray that it will be, but I no longer assume it. I actually automatically begin to assume the worst. I have learned all too well that I am not in control of any of it.

So, you ask, why in the world am I sharing this news when I have only just learned of it and the odds are not in our favor? Afterall, even a person with normal pregnancies has a 20% chance of miscarriage in the first trimester and the good sense to keep the news to themselves until they are out of the "danger zone." Yet, here I am, choosing to tell you right away even though I have actually been labeled with the condition "recurrent spontaneous abortion" (you automatically get that lovely, and oh-so-sensitive label when you hit three consecutive miscarriages). Well, there are a couple of reasons why I am choosing to share the news. One, I have miscarried even when I've been out of that "danger zone," so waiting to tell people didn't matter anyway. The second and real reason, however, that I'm deciding to just put it out there right away, is that I would love to have people praying for us - praying for a healthy pregnancy, of course, and praying that I can remain calm and not anxious about it. I feel like I am already just waiting for the inevitable to happen, and that's not the way to enjoy being pregnant, nor is it the key to a healthy pregnancy. I have known that I'm pregnant for less than 24 hours and yet, every tiny twinge of pain, whether real or imagined, causes me to assume an impending miscarriage. Each time I use the bathroom, I examine the toilet paper for any signs of potential bleeding. I don't want this entire pregnancy to be that way, no matter how long it lasts, and yet, I don't know how to not feel that way. So, I'm enlisting the prayers of my friends and family - I'm asking for you to pray that we will feel a peace that is beyond understanding, even regardless of the outcome of the pregnancy.

Sidenote: Although we are sharing the news with friends and family, we are not telling the kids yet - in fact, we probably won't tell them for a while. They have already experienced plenty of loss in their short lives, and I would like to protect them from another disappointment if at all possible. We will probably wait at least a few months to tell them the news, so please don't mention it to them. It would probably be wise not to mention it to your own kids if they will be around Jake and Addi at all, so that they don't accidentally spill the beans!

I'll try to keep you updated as we go along!