Bigger Is Not Always Better

I recently found out that a friend of mine is pregnant with her third child. She and her husband had always just planned on having two, and thought that they were done. Recently, however, they began discussing it more and decided that they wanted to have another.  And so, shortly after that decision, she got pregnant. She is now in her second trimester and things seem to be progressing as they should...which is wonderful!! I have to say though, that world is a little bit foreign to me. Oh, if only it were so easy! It's as though they live in a world where they actually have control over what happens in their lives. That's not the world I live in.  I try to be in control of it, but continue to learn more and more that I most certainly am not, nor should I be!

As I'm sure anybody who reads this blog already knows, I have always wanted a big family. I married someone who also wanted a big family, and so I never imagined that we would have any fewer than 4 kids...that was the minimum! Growing up, I always loved coming from a large family and having built-in best friends and constant playmates. I wanted the same for our children. I wanted Jake to have brothers to do boy things with and Addi to have sisters to do girl things with. I wanted them to develop certain character traits that I think are more easily learned when you are part of a large family and not constantly the center of the universe. I had very specific dreams of what I wanted our family to look like and what I thought it should look like. It has been painful for me to not see those dreams realized and extremely difficult to let go of those plans that I had for our lives. I am surrounded by friends and family whose families I have watched continue to grow, and sometimes, that has been difficult too. There has been a part of me that has wondered why they continue to be blessed with children, while we do not.

I have continued to learn the hard way, however, that I have very little say in the matter. But still, I have remained hopeful that more children are coming and have adamantly resisted allowing us to exit the "baby stage." I held onto our stroller and highchair and baby clothes for dear life, and have remained mentally and emotionally ready for more babies. So although I have learned very well that I am not in control of when the Lord would bless us with more children, I have really continued to believe that, at some point, He would give us more, whether they be biological or adopted. I have spent much time worrying about the gap between kids getting bigger and bigger and have continued to try to relinquish control and trust that God's timing would be perfect. I have continued to hope that eventually our family would start to look a little more like the family I had always envisioned. And, each month, I am hit with the reality that we are another month farther away from a "better" family.

But suddenly, for the first time, I am beginning to realize that a bigger family does not necessarily mean a better family. God really does know what is best for our family and, for us, that is obviously not having our own built-in baseball team...and that's okay. After almost four years of trying to to add to our family; almost four years of ovulation kits and pregnancy tests; almost four years of surgeries and miscarriages; almost four years of hopefulness and disappointments; I am suddenly and inexplicably at peace with, and actually ready to embrace the fact that our family is probably complete. I am realizing that I have wasted time being dissatisfied with our family because it is not what I envisioned it was going to be, rather than being so incredibly grateful for the amazing family that we have. For so long, I have struggled to try to release my grip on what I wanted for our family and what I thought it should be and would be, and had even felt at times that I had let it go. But this time, the difference is that I actually feel joyful that God has chosen to make our family what it is, and that is a huge difference. I feel like I am ready now to instead embrace the freedom that comes with not being tied to nap schedules, feedings, and diaper bags. Instead of continually wishing that I also had babes in strollers and carriers when I am with those that do, I am suddenly feeling grateful that my kids are now more independent and that we have the ability to do things that would be difficult to do with little ones in tow. That gratitude has not come easily or quickly, but, nevertheless, I am starting to feel it.

I won't be ignorant enough to say that our family is definitely complete because I never seem to be right about what the future holds, but I am finally content and at peace and happy with the fact that I believe that it probably is. I believe that our family is just as God intended it to be while we are here on earth, and I look forward to heaven where we will have that large family that I envisioned because there are 4 more babies waiting there for us -  babies who have never had to experience the pain and suffering of this world and who will only know me as a perfect mother, rather than the very flawed one that I am here on earth. Until then though, I am ready to simply enjoy the two amazing children that we have here, and try to take advantage of the time that I have with them - training them, enjoying them, and pouring as much love into them as I can, and simply being grateful for them.  And, finally being able to replace desire and longing with contentment and gratitude is a really wonderful feeling.