Encouraging Results

As you know, after Wednesday, I was pretty much convinced that this was another non-viable pregnancy. The nurse told me to stay off of the internet and come back in for more blood work on Friday. Of course, I did not follow the instructions to stay off the internet, but I did go back in on Friday morning. On a sidenote, I have extremely small veins, and every time I have to give blood for something, it's a little bit difficult. Occasionally, the person is really good or I get lucky and they just poke me once and get it done...but that's rare. Usually it takes a minimum of a couple of tries for them to get a good vein. By Friday, the woman said, "Well, I'm going to have to use this same vein that the others have used, but it's already damaged, so this is going to hurt." Great. It actually wasn't too bad, but you should see my arm. It's bruised with a swollen lump right at the inside of my elbow where the "damaged vein" is. I look like some sort of drug addict or something. One time in highschool, when I was trying to actually give blood to the red cross, they popped a vein and my entire arm looked like that. I had one other failed attempt at donating blood, so now I only give it when I have to!

Anyway, back to the point...I went in first thing Friday morning and then waited all day for the results. It has been taking only a few hours to get the results, but I waited and waited, and no call came. I pretty much had myself glued to the phone. I left a message for the nurse...nothing. I called the operator to make sure people were still around on a Friday afternoon, and she said that they were, but still no call. I began to tell myself that if it was good news, they would have called right away, so it definitely wasn't good news. Then, right at about 5:00, the doctor called.

She said that the numbers had almost doubled, from 770 to 1521, and she was pleased with the results....and officially labeled the pregnancy viable! I was shocked. I really had prepared myself for the worst. So, that's obviously just the first hurdle, but at least we made it past that one. The next step, if nothing happens between now and then, will be to go in in two weeks for an ultrasound to check for the heartbeat. I still remain cautiously optimistic, but am very excited that we stand a chance!

Thanks so much for continuing to pray for us! I will continue to keep you updated. Hopefully, there will be nothing to report until two weeks from now.

Faith Like That

My wonderful friend, Katie, sent me a message the other night reminding me that our God is big and that this pregnancy is in His hands. But, no matter the outcome of the pregnancy, He is still the same God. It made me think of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego who, when faced with the blazing furnace, said, "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and He will rescue us from your hand, O king. BUT EVEN IF HE DOES NOT, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold that you have set up." (Daniel 3:17-18)

I want a faith like that. I want a faith that doesn't demand my own way or expect nothing less than miraculous deliverance, but that trusts in our good and faithful God regardless of the outcome. My sister and my mom have both been recently reading the autobiography of Corrie Ten Boom (I'm picking it up from the library today!), whose family harbored Jewish refugees in a secret room in their home. They ended up sacrificing everything because of their faith in God and obedience to His call. My sister posted here about it, and asked the question, what gave her that kind of courage and faithfulness?

Our amazing friends, the Goodfellows, just sold almost everything they own and moved their family of 6 to Peru in order to be obedient to God's call and to live out the gospel with passion. Here is a picture of our kids with three of their kids on the day that they left, with everything that they own.

There are so many of these examples of ordinary people with extraordinary faith. I want faith like that. So, along with my sister, I will ask the question, what gave them the courage and the faithfulness? And, if I had that sort of faithfulness, in what extraordinary way could God use me?

Viable Pregnancy?...Maybe (but doubtful)

Sorry to bombard you with two posts in one day, but I wanted to give the pregnancy update in addition to the "our house is falling apart" update. I have gotten to be quite knowledgable of the medical jargon surrounding high-risk pregnancies and miscarriages. The first question that a person with a history of miscarriage will ask when they become pregnant is, "Is this a "viable" pregnancy? Meaning, "Does this pregnancy even stand a chance?" In order to determine this, as soon as a "high-risk" patient learns of their pregnancy, the doctor will probably order a series of lab work to be done to measure the HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels and progesterone levels. If these tests don't come back looking good, there is nothing that the doctor can do about it, but it's really just providing the patient with some information about whether the pregnancy is viable or not. The key to these tests is that the progesterone level needs to be high enough to support the pregnancy, and...the biggie...the HCG levels need to double approximately every 48 hours (in the beginning weeks of pregnancy). The actual HCG number can range all over the place, but the key is the rate of increase.

So, I had my second round of blood work done today (Wednesday). The first test on Monday showed a high progesterone level and an HCG number in normal range, which was good. The progesterone doesn't change dramatically from day to day, so I'm good there. Like I said though, the most important thing is the rate at which the HCG number increases. The results from today were not necessarily horrible, but not at all reassuring either. My HCG number on Monday was 482. So, the magic number for me today should have been at least around 1000. Instead, it was only at 770. The nurse's words were, "It's not horrible and it doesn't necessarily tell us anything because it's early, but it's not what we would have liked to see." Now, if you say that to someone without my history, she may or may not believe you. But, you say that to someone with several miscarriages under her belt and what I hear is, "This is not a viable pregnancy."

Yet, I still hold onto some hope. And honestly, I don't even want to and I wish somehow I wouldn't. It just prolongs the inevitable. I don't even want to think about being pregnant. I want to pretend that I never got a positive pregnancy test so that I can be back to where I was a week ago. And yet, I hope. It goes the same way every time. As much as I don't really want to so that I can just move on, I continue to hope until the actual miscarriage has taken place. I spend my evenings on the internet reading about those rare pregnancies where the levels didn't increase like they should have and yet everything turned out fine, or where the heartbeat was missing from the ultrasound but then showed up, or about whatever stories sound like mine that time around but have happy endings. And I can't keep myself from hoping.

Don't misunderstand me, there actually is still some hope this time beyond me just praying for a miracle. Just because the rate didn't double doesn't automatically mean that the pregnancy is doomed. According to what I've read far too many times on the internet, the rate should double every 48 hours. But, for some people it may be as much as every 72 hours. And, of course, there are all those miracle stories about people whose levels never did what they should and they went on to have full-term, healthy pregnancies. I have yet to be one of those miracle stories though.

So, is this pregnancy viable? Maybe. Do I believe that it will go on to be a healthy pregnancy? No. Do I hold onto hope? Always.

The Money Pit

Our home is beginning to feel a little bit like the money pit. We are building up quite a list of things around here that we can't use because we can't spend the money to have them fixed. Jay can fix just about anything, but when it comes to big issues, it's another story. It all started with a slab leak a couple of years ago when we noticed water continually pooling on our garage floor. That was one that we couldn't let go and it set us back several thousand dollars. Since that time, it has seemed to be one thing after another. We have had no air conditioning for the last couple of years and I think it was around the same time that our garage door broke. Jay started to work on fixing that until I read about all the deaths associated with fixing garage doors and decided that we would do without. We have certainly started to learn to differentiate between wants and needs. Yes, air conditioning is missed in the heat of the summer as we swelter in our 95 degree home (that being the inside temperature!), but we learn to live without it. Yes, it would be nice to be able to park a car in the garage or even just open and close it, but we have gotten quite accustomed to using the side garage door.

It now seems as though we might need to get accustomed to showering in the kids shower rather than our own. It began with an annoying dripping shower head that just got worse and worse. It then got to the point where it was keeping us up at night, like one of those Chinese torture chambers or something. And, then, it was as if the shower was just always left slightly on. It was no longer just a small drip. Jay had already replaced the shower head, but when that didn't solve the problem, we knew it was a deeper issue. So, Jay was going to go deeper. However, because the handle was so corroded to the pipe, when he was taking it off, the whole pipe broke and now requires some major work to get it in working condition. Apparently, the same thing has happened to several of the homes in the neighborhood. We had to have a plumber come out just to stop up the pipe so that we could even turn our water back on in the house, and that alone cost us over $300. And, here's the zinger...for them to come out and actually get the shower back in working condition, the amount is $1,050. It seriously makes me sick to even think about it.

And here's one more zinger...the day after we got the thousand dollar quote, we woke up to find our bathroom carpet totally flooded. No, it had nothing to do with the shower - OUR TOILET had now flooded our bathroom. So, Jay fixed the toilet and we are now addressing the problem of the flooded carpet by blowing a fan at our sopping wet floor. Unfortunately, it is still sopping wet and our room is already smelling like mildew. I hate to think what kind of mold is growing there now because heaven knows we won't be paying for new carpet or mold removal. We will probably be slowly killing ourselves as we live in our mold infested home.

So, back to the shower - just like we got used to no air conditioning, and no working garage door, we decided that we would get used to not having a working shower. However, Jay is in the process of teaching himself how to "sweat a valve," whatever that means, so that he can fix it himself. He fixes all of our toilet and sink and minor plumbing issues around here, but apparently, "sweating a valve" is on a whole new plumbing level. But, he got himself a blow torch today and, depending on how that goes, we may just end up back in our own shower sooner than expected!

I'm hoping that this new found plumbing knowledge will be of assistance when our 12 year old water heater goes, because I'm quite certain that's what's next!

God's Sense of Humor

Sometimes I start to think that God's sense of humor is maybe a little bit similar to my dad's - in other words, slightly twisted. It's just that it seems as though once I have finally learned to trust in God's plan and accept things the way they are, He likes to change it up on me again...like maybe it gives him a good laugh or something. (I don't really think that, or think that anything about God is slightly twisted...please don't strike me dead for blasphemy!) Over these past several months, Jay and I have finally really started to feel at peace with our family being complete, and we have been enjoying the increased freedom that comes with our kids getting older. It was a long road to feeling that way, but we got there and are loving where we are in life in general. Then, today, there is this...

Yep, those are two pink lines. Don't feel badly that you hadn't heard the news...nobody had. It is BRAND NEW information. Now, when I say that Jay and have been feeling at peace about not having more kids, don't misunderstand me, we are so excited and hopeful about this. But, for us, pregnancy comes with worry, and usually ends in heartbreak. Given our history, I cannot really afford to let myself be much more than cautiously optimistic. I don't want to start to again imagine how wonderful it will be to have more kids, only to have that dream shattered again. Then, I'll have to start over in my quest to be content with where I am. And, if I'm being totally honest, I don't want to start that quest over again. I finally got there! I don't have a lot of faith that this time around will be any different than the last few times though. Yes, I hope and pray that it will be, but I no longer assume it. I actually automatically begin to assume the worst. I have learned all too well that I am not in control of any of it.

So, you ask, why in the world am I sharing this news when I have only just learned of it and the odds are not in our favor? Afterall, even a person with normal pregnancies has a 20% chance of miscarriage in the first trimester and the good sense to keep the news to themselves until they are out of the "danger zone." Yet, here I am, choosing to tell you right away even though I have actually been labeled with the condition "recurrent spontaneous abortion" (you automatically get that lovely, and oh-so-sensitive label when you hit three consecutive miscarriages). Well, there are a couple of reasons why I am choosing to share the news. One, I have miscarried even when I've been out of that "danger zone," so waiting to tell people didn't matter anyway. The second and real reason, however, that I'm deciding to just put it out there right away, is that I would love to have people praying for us - praying for a healthy pregnancy, of course, and praying that I can remain calm and not anxious about it. I feel like I am already just waiting for the inevitable to happen, and that's not the way to enjoy being pregnant, nor is it the key to a healthy pregnancy. I have known that I'm pregnant for less than 24 hours and yet, every tiny twinge of pain, whether real or imagined, causes me to assume an impending miscarriage. Each time I use the bathroom, I examine the toilet paper for any signs of potential bleeding. I don't want this entire pregnancy to be that way, no matter how long it lasts, and yet, I don't know how to not feel that way. So, I'm enlisting the prayers of my friends and family - I'm asking for you to pray that we will feel a peace that is beyond understanding, even regardless of the outcome of the pregnancy.

Sidenote: Although we are sharing the news with friends and family, we are not telling the kids yet - in fact, we probably won't tell them for a while. They have already experienced plenty of loss in their short lives, and I would like to protect them from another disappointment if at all possible. We will probably wait at least a few months to tell them the news, so please don't mention it to them. It would probably be wise not to mention it to your own kids if they will be around Jake and Addi at all, so that they don't accidentally spill the beans!

I'll try to keep you updated as we go along!

Weekend Away

I haven't been updating the blog lately as much as I'd like to. This post is a little behind since it was last weekend that we went away. But, at least I'm getting it on here.

It is a very rare thing for our family to go anywhere. Addi, in fact, was very confused by the hotel concept this past weekend. She actually thought that the hotel belonged to us since we would say things like, "We'll head back to our hotel and then..." She wondered why we had never come to stay at our hotel before. Before having kids, I loved to travel. But, as you know, things change drastically when you have children. For one thing, traveling is far too expensive, and two, there is really no such thing as a "vacation" when you're traveling with kids. Sure, you can have a fun getaway, but it will still be work, not vacation. Of course, going away and staying in a hotel is very exciting for them though.

So, when we got the opportunity for a free three night hotel stay up in Santa Monica, the kids were thrilled. And, I must say, it turned out to be a great weekend. Sure, there is the fact that when sharing a hotel room with kids, Jay and I also have to lay still and quiet in our bed at 8:00 so that they will go to sleep, as well as some other minor traveling with children difficulties. But, our kids have gotten to the ages now where it's getting easier and easier to do these sorts of things, and the weekend really could not have been better. The weather was perfect and we all had fun. I'll try to condense the weekend into some pictures of the things that we got to enjoy...

Riding our bikes along the beach from Santa Monica down to Venice in the beautiful sunshine...

Playing at the beach...

A tea party at a real tea house...

Enjoying the ferris wheel on the pier at sunset...

Mimi and Papa and Lexi and Linzi coming up to join us for a day...

Watching the street performers at Venice Beach and Third Street Promenade...

And, finally, I will leave you with our favorite street performers (unfortunately, I didn't capture on video a lot of their best moves, and you do have to ignore some of the silly antics!)...

Addi On Her Bike (Take Two)

In my last post I tried to upload a video of Addi learning to ride her bike, but it wasn't working. So, I'm trying to post it again. Here you go...

Two Wheels

My little peanut is growing up...and she needs to stop! I keep requesting that she please not get any bigger, but she refuses to oblige with my request! I will be one sad mama when I can no longer pick her up and carry her around, or when she stops walking around the house making up stories and talking to herself, or when she no longer wants to dress up like a princess all the time. I posted recently that I am finally feeling content with the fact that we will probably not be able to have more children, but that doesn't mean that I am ready to let the ones that I have get any older! I'm feeling myself just wanting to freeze time right where they are.

One example of how she is growing up...she learned how to ride her bike without training wheels! I think our kids got that biking gene from Jay because both of them just took off the first time we put them on their bike without training wheels. Jake never even used training wheels. We got him a bike for his fourth birthday and he has been a natural on it from day one. When he first got the bike, Jay just let him practice a couple of times with the pedals off so that he could get a feel for balancing it but could still put his feet down when he needed to. Then, the pedals went back on and off he went. Addi started with training wheels a while back, simply because she wanted to and I wasn't in any hurry to take them off. But the other day, she decided she wanted to give it a try. And...same thing! Jay took the pedals off for a short time so that she could get the feel of it. Then, the pedals went on, and she took off! I mean, she seriously took off. She's freaking me out! She already thinks that she can come charging down the hill full speed ahead and make sharp turns and keep up with Jake. I can hardly stand to watch because I'm just waiting for her to crash. But, she doesn't. She loves it and thinks she is invincible. Jake's response when she got on and took off was, "That's AMAZING!" And yes, she really is.

Here she is in action... Actually, I'm having some technical difficulties and can't seem to get this video uploaded. I will post it when I can.

The Juggling Act

I am not usually one to recognize my limitations, or admit when things are difficult. But, I'm not gonna lie, this week, with these two additional babies, is kicking my behind. It's not that the boys are really difficult babies - they're not. But, dealing with my own kids, plus two additional babies who are only 10 months apart, feels like a constant juggling act. I can't finish meeting the needs of one before I need to move on to meeting the needs of another. All you moms out there with babies less than a year apart...my heart goes out to you. It doesn't help either that the 12 month old is sick and his nose is a faucet of continually pouring green snot that doesn't turn off. The poor little guy is miserable, and I'm a little grossed out. If it were my own child, I would be equally grossed out. I'm also pretty convinced now that he probably has a double ear infection. He is a sweet little guy, but he's in pain. And, you know what that means when a child is in pain...additional needs to try to meet. He wants nothing but to be held all day, and no amount of coaxing can get him to take a nap. The two month old is a pretty easy baby, but he still wakes up about every 2 -3 hours at night. So, I am also exhausted as I try to meet the needs of all these kids. Because of that, my own children bear the brunt of all that we are attempting to take on. They get neglected and treated like crap because I am at the end of my rope. They would probably give me the award of "World's Worst Mom" this week!

That leads me to this question...how do you find balance between caring for others in need and "loving the least of these" and teaching your children to do the same, while still taking care of your own children and their needs? I want them to learn to love others sacrificially, and I want to teach them by example, but I certainly don't want them to feel like I loved others in place of them...the ones that God placed directly in my care. I guess the first step in finding that balance is recognizing certain limitations. I know now that if I get a call from Safe Families for two babies, we will say no. We have learned that two babies under 12 months at the same time is too much for us right now. I guess that's a start. We'll stick to one at a time in the future!

For now though, continue to pray for these two little guys in our care. They have found longer term placements for them, but they will have to be separated. They have a three year old brother who is also elsewhere, and that makes me sad for all of them. Pray for their peace and comfort and that their mom will take the steps that she needs to take to be able to care for them.

Houseguests

Well, we went and did it again! We're going to have our hands full again for a little while because we're caring for a 2 month old and a 12 month old. This one is just a short-term placement though - probably no more than a week. Someone from Safe Families contacted us last night at about 6:00, and by 8:30, these two little guys were with us... Wish us luck! :)