Off to Serve the People of Haiti

SUNDAY NIGHT

On my way. The last couple days have been hectic. Scrambling to get stuff together, trying to take advantage of the time with the munchkins, trying to be really connected with Kinz. The busy-ness of it all was good, because it prevented the anxiety from setting in. I wish, though, that I could have been more focused on Kinzi, Jake, and Addi. I don’t feel like they were able to get all of me like I would have wanted. That’s always my struggle.

I will say this: I am so overwhelmed by the love that we have received from the people God has put around us. The volunteers at South County continually amaze me with the way they just handle stuff and uplift those around them. They are such a blessing. And I am so grateful for the guys that God is using to mold me, change me, bring me closer to Him. Blake and Kory, John and Colin, Nate and Chad. I am surrounded by such awesome examples of love, support, brotherhood, and strength. Most of all, in them I am surrounded by men showing me what it means to live life for God. So grateful for that. Absolutely love those guys.

And I can’t even begin to describe what it has been like to watch Kinzi over these last few days. I can’t imagine a more selfless, poised, gracious, and loving wife/mother. It has been incredible to see her in full effect, taking care of things, keeping everything in perspective, managing the ME that can so easily lose perspective and be irrational, and continually showing us her unconditional love. Her actions speak so loudly. She is truly a beautiful daughter of God, in every way. Oh how I will miss her!

As I sit here on my way to Santiago, I try to remind myself of the two things that God made clear to me on Friday morning.

1. I need to do this in part out of obedience. Obedience to God’s call to put ourselves away and be all about Him. A big part of us didn’t want to do this because we wanted to remain in the comfort of our current situation. We are so spoiled in the life we have. I wanted to cling to that. But as we sit around with “The 6-Pack” and talk about living drastically differently in order to bring God to those in need, I can’t help but feel like I have to show that I’m willing to actually step out into that (because it so often feels like I’m really not). So here’s a chance to show that—to show God that I can and will step out of that cruise control, consumeristic, comfortable life and live for Him.

2. I also need to do this to allow God to show me that He is whom I need to put my trust in—not in myself. More specifically, that He can actually get me through what I don’t think I can get through. I was so apprehensive about doing this because of the fear of falling into a pit while I’m gone (either b/c I’m homesick or discouraged b/c I don’t feel like I’ll be able fill the role they need me to fill). Greater than that, though, is the fear of what will be waiting for me when I get back (the kids wanting all of me, work having piled up, the pressures of busy season in full force, and trying to continue pursuing the things we’re pursuing but not having the days off to do it b/c I have to make up the work days I’ll be missing). I hate thinking about the person all that stuff can turn me into, and the potential pit it can pull me into. But God was so clear that morning when He made me realize that I have to let Him show me how He can enable us to do what we need to do, how He can deliver us through the things we don’t think we can handle (because we really can’t handle them. . .on our own). I have to learn to lean on Him and Him alone. And the situation I will be in when I get back will be one that I would never be able to deal with on my own. The only solution is to lean into Him. I need to give Him the opportunity to show me how He will provide.
So, here we go. No idea what I’ll really be doing. It may turn out to be just a non-eventful, “feel good about yourself for helping the poor” kind of mission trip, or it may be stress, and drama, and strenuous physical labor, and emotional roller coasters, and physical illness, and exposure to people suffering in ways I couldn’t have imagined, and yes, even a fall or two into the “pit”. But I go to show obedience and to give Him the opportunity to take over in my life.